Alyssa

Well first off, when I initially reached out to Amy in response to a "call for models", I was under the impression that it would just be a fun experience done as a favor for Amy so that she could have more photos for her portfolio. I didn't anticipate even buying any photos for myself or even that I'd get the full experience of a boudoir shoot. So then when I got more information and learned I'd get the full experience and also be encouraged to invest in the finished results, I felt excited but also a little bit anxious/nervous. I think my biggest fear is that I would go into the shoot feeling good about myself and then see the photos, hate them and feel worse. I also just don't think of myself as a very "sexy" person and thought the whole thing might end up just being awkward and all the photos would look like I was trying to be something I'm not.

I wasn't completely wrong about feeling awkward some of the time during the shoot (ESPECIALLY in the very beginning) but thanks to Amy's expertise and ability to understand what her clients need in the moment to be able to let go and enjoy the moment, I was able to quickly warm up and then just laugh during the moments where I felt a little bit awkward/silly. It started to feel kind of fun to sort of "pretend" that I was sexy and after a while, I started to actually feel that way! Still, I felt very nervous about actually seeing the photos and nervous about being disappointed and luckily, I was very wrong. When I saw the initial slideshow of photos Amy put together for my reveal, I was completely blown away and shocked. I think I still am. I could not/cannot believe that that was me in those photos.

I feel like I've been on a long-term journey of self-acceptance that really took off after I did a "just me" shoot with Amy in early 2017. That was the first time I was really exposed to all of my insecurities in photos in a more intimate way. I remember seeing those photos and still feeling pretty critical about certain parts of myself like my nose, my crows feet and wrinkles in my face when I smiled/laughed - it was a little bit challenging to feel fully accepting and loving of them. What I found interesting about this most recent shoot is that even though I was a lot more "glammed up" than the just me photoshoot, I still saw those same parts of myself that typically brought up insecurities but instead, my reaction was "awww, it's me!". I felt like I was able to look at the wrinkles in my face or the shape of my nose and feel really proud of who I am and really beautiful. I don't think I've ever felt like this - I have been telling my friends that I look like a "sex goddess" in the photos and anyone who knows me knows that I have NEVER referred to myself in that way!!!

I've struggled with my weight/body image for my entire life and was criticized for it from a very young age. I have a history of disordered eating and body dysmorphia and it's been very interesting trying to observe some of those things over the past year during a global pandemic where of course, I have witnessed some changes/shifts in my body. This year really taught me quite a lot about the importance of honoring and loving my body and also showing it gratitude for all of the ways that it protects me and fights to stay healthy and alive. Now more than ever, I find myself just wanting to give myself a hug and apologize to my body for all of the times I criticized it, shamed it, did things to try to harm it or fight it. Getting to do this photoshoot, see the end results and feel really good about what I saw felt very much like a celebration and a victory.

I feel like I still have a lot to process about the overall experience and have been finding myself making many connections in my mind between radical self-acceptance and collective liberation. I work as a music therapist in community mental health and working towards liberation and the dismantling of systems is the main driving force in everything I do. I think I always viewed "getting nice photos of myself taken" as something that felt frivolous in the grand scheme of things, especially considering how much is happening in the world - I was wrong. It's not frivolous and it is worth EVERY. SINGLE. PENNY. Working towards acceptance and love of self feels like it has given me more space to be accepting and loving of others and really examine the different judgments I've placed on other womxn as a result of my own beliefs/societal conditioning. This has impacts in my personal life and also in my work. If we want to truly see things change in our world and our society, it feels like this vital inner work needs to happen on an individual level. Getting photographed by Amy wasn't "just a photoshoot"....it was and is so much more! I have plenty more to say about this (and will likely spend some time trying to organize my thoughts a little bit better) but will wrap up for now to say that I believe every single womxn should get the opportunity to be photographed by Amy. I'm not exaggerating when I say that it is a life-changing experience.